THE BROWN EYE AWARDS I once gave some advice to a good friend on what to do if you get a guy down in a bar fight. At some point in everybody's lives, this becomes an occasion, and one should approach that with some forethought, given the litigious nature of today's society. Do not, I explained, kick the poor chap in the back or the head, where all kinds of potential injuries could occur. Refrain also, I said, from putting the boots to the abdominal area – including the ribs – or in the man's groin. And don't stomp on fingers; that's just plain vindictive. Rather, I opined, you should line it up like an Eddie Murray field goal, and go for the bull's eye, also known in crude vernacular as the brown eye. That's going to cause extreme pain, and more: Once you've been kicked there, you've lost the fight. It doesn't matter what else happens. You're the loser. I don't care if you go home and discover that you've won the lottery. You are the loser. It hurts, and you are reminded of it for quite some time. So I bring to you the Brown Eye Awards. This goes out to the biggest loser I can find, someone who deserves that painful kick in the ass. For the inaugural award ceremony today, I have two worthy candidates who are splitting the difference. Or maybe this will develop into Regional and National categories ... yeah, that'll work. Our Regional winner is the vocal segment of Sun City West, Arizona, that signed petitions and spoke up at a County Adjustment hearing, in order to get a little nine-year old girl kicked out of her grandmother's home. There are quite a few of these retirement communities in the Valley of the Sun, and some of these people are nervy as Hell going this far. Quick facts: a family has two children, one a 22-year old man with a spinal injury, who is in a wheelchair, and the other the aforementioned nine-year old girl. The family had to move in with Grandma until they can get their medical expenses taken care of for their son. Until then, they need some help from someone who loves them and will give it to them. The Maricopa County Board of Adjustment, despite the braying of the stupid, selfish, discriminatory old buzzards of Sun City West, granted the family fourteen months, as much time as they requested to get their house in order, so to speak. To the folks of Sun City West, I say, losers. Our National winner is Ohio Democratic Congressman Jim Traficant, who was convicted of ten counts of such crimes as accepting bribes and illegal gifts, racketeering, and obstruction of justice. This is the guy that Rush Limbaugh used to champion on his long-forgotten television show as "his favorite Democrat", running clips of Traficant's sixty-second rants on the House floor. Traficant's verbal skills didn't get him anywhere this time, representing himself in his defense. The jury said they felt as if Traficant believed himself to be more intelligent than everyone else in the room, and they also said that they felt sorry for the judge. Traficant is all class; he once ended a National Public Radio interview by saying "F*** you. This interview is over." Now he's eligible for a brief stay at one of the Federal government's better clubhouses, where he will work on his tan and bring his handicap up a couple of strokes. Congressman Traficant, what can I say? You are Rush's favorite kind of Democrat: a loser. There they are. Gotta run. Paul Heller 04/15/02 << back to the archives
	All site contents © 2002, Paul F. Heller