Butthead Patrol For the record, I still haven't made it down to Tombstone, Arizona. By the time I get there, I fear all the hubbub will have died down, and it will have gone back to being the same sleepy one-horse town it was when Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Johnny Ringo were dragging their spurs through the dusty streets. For the past month, though, the focus has been on Tombstone because it was the headquarters of the Minuteman Project. Those who watch FOX News know every detail about this subject, and others, who have the good sense not to watch FOX News, have probably heard of it. For the past month, volunteer border patrols have been skulking about the Sonoran desert - some armed, some not - looking for illegal immigrants (ostensibly from Mexico). Their efforts have been successful in diverting border-crossers away from the area they were patrolling, the old finger-in-the-dyke routine. While state and local conservatives adore this effort, the federal government formally frowns on their existence, with President Bush calling them "vigilantes". This prompted Arizona Congressman J.D. Hayworth to say that Bush owes the Minutemen an apology (they're not getting one; nobody gets one). Now Chris Simcox, surrogate daddy to all the "undocumented border patrol agents", says he wants to expand this grand scheme to seal off the borders of California, New Mexico, Texas and Michigan. That's right, Michigan, the last line of defense against Canada. Granted, the Canadian border is one through which terrorists have been known to traverse. An alleged al-Qaida cell was uncovered in Buffalo, New York, which is also a stone's throw away from the neighborhood to the North. Still, the problem of illegal immigration has never prompted anyone to call for fences, trenches, moats or klieg lights in that part of the country. But it is, in fact, a border, so Simcox (no doubt invoking the long-honored conservative principle of "equal time") had to throw Michigan into the mix, or he would have risked minimizing his own bath in the glow of the little red light atop the TV camera. You can tell he's never been there. Maybe I'm wrong about that - maybe he's visited the Big Mitten before, but not for any extended period of time, or he would understand that he would be sending his Minutemen on a fool's errand, one that even the federal government won't undertake. Catching illegal aliens from Canada can be tricky, since they tend to be White, like many of the Minutemen. In Arizona, it's fairly easy to spot the immigrants as they wander the desert. For one thing, they look very thirsty (never an issue in Michigan). For another, they look Hispanic. There's not much anecdotal evidence of illegal Swedes, Germans or Scotsmen hopping the Rio Grande, so there's a certain curve in the search parameters here. Still, they must have a plan for the Michigan mission. I suppose they could set up a "password" system, like in the war movies you sometimes see on cable TV. That might work: What's the password? "Eh? What's this all aboot?" FREEZE, MOTHERFUCKER! Sorry. At any rate, freezing is what the Minutemen themselves will be doing if they go during the wrong seven months out of the year. It's one thing to vacation in Arizona in April. In Michigan, however, there are scant few opportunities to actually go out and camp along the Canadian border (unless one camps in a hotel near the Windsor tunnel). Even in the summer, one risks going insane from the humidity, not to mention the State Bird of Prey, the mosquito. There's also the matter of the Michiganians themselves. Some of you may call them "Michiganders", but that would imply a specific gender set, allowing also for "Michigeese", which is none too flattering to the female of the species (no charge for that tip, by the way). For those of you unfamiliar with the place, it is amply exemplified by a little thing called Devil's Night. That's the night before Halloween, when the children go out and burn everything to the ground (everything, anyhow, that isn't too cold and wet to burn). While Arizona is kind of laid-back, with little byways like Tombstone in which the Minutemen can hang out when they're not on patrol, the Canadian border as we know it would be in the Detroit area. And whereas Arizona will allow these concerned citizens to pack heat openly, that's a no-no in Michigan, unless you're an officially registered militia member. The cops will enforce this law, sometimes violently, and still will not be able to save them from the general population. Call me a pessimist, but I seriously doubt that these folks would be welcomed with open arms by the people of Detroit, who start riots at sporting events (win or lose). Anyone who wants to go there should think about doubling their life insurance before doing so. And they should make sweet, sweet love to their wives before they leave home, because their chances of returning whole are less than good. Perhaps they're considering tours in the Upper Peninsula; that would be most unwise. There are certain predators up there that nobody would want to encounter. Think bears... which means bear traps, big ones, which said predators set regularly and check infrequently. The bodies of those Minutemen would never be found, because those damn wolverines crush and eat the bones, even the toenails. The insects and the moss would quickly consume the rest. If I could counsel the Minutemen, then, I would tell them to stick to Arizona during the spring and fall (it is notable that they won't be patrolling in the crushing heat of summer), and year-round in sunny Southern California. Hell, even the governor loves them there, so long as they don't ask him for his papersss... Paul Heller 05/02/05 << back to the archives
	All site contents © 2005, Paul F. Heller