Brownout Before I get started, let me just surf on over to the Freep for a quick look... No, not Free Republic, that online bastion of fallacy where the cyber-dustbunnies gather to whine about the liberals and talk about their guns. I mean the Detroit Free Press. I gotta find out about Larry Brown. What do you mean, "who"? Larry Brown. The coach of the former NBA champions, the Detroit Pistons. Since he's coached in just about every corner of the United States, it's a rare thing to find someone who doesn't know who about LB. But be patient a moment, and I'll get you the skinny. Ah, there it is - Brown's Fate Still On Hold. See? You can tell Larry is a very important guy, because the newspapers are now cranking out stories to cover those events in which he does nothing. On account of him, the Pistons (through the press) are giving the world a precious gift; we are all witnessing the world's most prolonged coin-flip. Knowing Brown, the coin will land on its edge. He's been teetering on the job since the season began. First he had hip surgery, forcing him to miss 17 out of 82 regular season games. Many fans wondered why he hadn't taken care of that during the summer before. What's more, the surgery apparently resulted in some kind of bladder complication. I've yet to see a detailed account of the problem (avoided it, is more like it), but one can assume it to be an unpleasant and discomforting condition. Still, Larry Brown had to throw fuel on the flames, saying it would be his "dream job" to one day coach the New York Knicks. This drew quite a few frowns in a city where trust just happens to be a precious commodity. Brown did it again, in the playoffs, when it was revealed that he had been talking with the Cleveland Cavaliers about their GM opening. And he's been mum on the subject of returning ever since the season ended, and the coach went to Mayo for a follow-up procedure to help alleviate whatever is wrong with his, eh, bladder. Everyone waited for the coach (and his agent) to sit down with team president Joe Dumars and owner Bill Davidson. Well, they sat, and nothing has happened. The city of Detroit and Pistons' fans everywhere are in Larry Limbo. "We had a real good meeting and talked about a number of internal things," Brown said afterward. Internal? In what way? The reporters might as well shake one of those little black balls with the magic answer cube floating inside. "I hadn't seen Joe in a long time, since the draft," Brown said. "And I hadn't seen Mr. D. since prior to Game Seven. So it was nice to get a chance to see them again." Uh, Larry, the draft was less than three weeks ago. The season ended a few days before that. Why are you acting like a long-lost relative coming home from abroad? Besides that, are you coaching next year, or not? "I really can't talk about it," he responded to just such a question, as if he were the source of the leak in the Valerie Plame case. To put it bluntly (which I know they appreciate in the Motor City), I don't want Larry Brown back. The 2004 team, molded by Rick Carlisle, carried LB to his only NBA title, and he let that same team down in 2005 when they needed him the most. Who can forget the end of Game Five at the Palace, with only a few seconds remaining, and the Pistons holding the lead by two points? Manu Ginobili of the Spurs runs around like a rabbit as the clock ticks down. Rasheed Wallace rushes him in the corner. Ginobili nonchalantly tosses it to Robert Horry (whose nickname is "Big Shot Bob"), who calmly drilled a three-pointer with two seconds left. All because "Hall of Fame Coach Larry Brown" didn't tell his team to foul anyone who touched the basketball. Even if Manu sinks both free throws, it's a tie with five or more seconds remaining. Instead, I have in my head a permanent replay of Rip Hamilton sagging to the floor on the last play, weakly hurling the ball somewhat in the direction of the backboard, half-paralyzed with Bruce Bowen's arm up his ass, as if Rip were one of Jim Henson's muppets. No foul, game over, back to San Antonio, where winning two in a row just wasn't going to happen. Thanks for that, Larry. By the way, you basically ruined Darko Milicic before he got out of his teenage years, and you've completely screwed up Carlos Delfino's head - two young players with enormous potential, disgruntled at the team if not set back by years. You took a point guard who felt unwanted in Utah (Carlos Arroyo) and turned him into a bump on the log next to Darko. And Ronald Dupree. And Darvin Ham. And Elden Campbell. To put it mildly, Brown's coaching lacked depth. He's run his course; Larry Brown should pack and leave Detroit, as he has left so many other locales. On to the next bit of glory - maybe he'll get his dream job, courtesy of former Piston Isiah Thomas, now in charge of the Knicks. As for the Pistons, there has been talk that they might hire Flip Saunders to replace Larry Brown... I certainly hope not. The fans deserve more than a Minnesota retread who couldn't handle Latrell Sprewell, much less Rasheed Wallace. I want an original Bad Boy coach, and there are two of them available who could handle this team nicely. Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn. That's Dee-troit basketball. Paul Heller 7/14/05 << back to the archives
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