Hot Stuff The headline this morning was terrifying, so terrifying they couldn't put it on the front page: House Extends Most of Patriot Act. I couldn't even read the story. At any rate, I'm already moving on. It is but spilt milk now, something for our grandkids to worry about (or, if they follow in our footsteps, to not worry about). From a pragmatic point of view, the world that goes by in front of our faces is more important than such oblique, abstract ideas as liberty, privacy and security from an intrusive government. There are other, more immediate concerns out there, real problems that seemingly cannot be solved. For instance, here in Phoenix, twenty people have dropped dead from the heat in the past six days. Admittedly, this is no phenomenon. We do live in a desert, but even in this harsh climate, those numbers give cause for alarm. Further, these most recent examples of mortality do not reflect the number of immigrants who succumb to the heat in their trek North to the promised land. This year brings the usual spate of such deaths as well, but we otherwise find ourselves ahead of the average annual schedule. Fourteen of those killed by the Valley of the Sun's high temperatures (111 degrees yesterday, with an overnight low of 91) were described as being homeless. These should be recorded as suicides, as nobody who truly wants to live would attempt to do so outdoors in Phoenix in the summer. It is about as realistic as trying to live on the streets of Anchorage, Alaska during the winter. For the most part, the other fatalities comprised of the elderly, and in one case there might be some statistical wiggle room: In Mesa, a 97-year old man died inside his house, which was apparently without air conditioning. I'm sure the coroner could pinpoit the heat as being the official cause of death, but at the age of 97, a bikini-wax commercial could have triggered the fatal response - if not that, then surely the headline from Paragraph One. I'd love to provide some public service relief in this matter, but I fear any good advice I might dispense will go unheeded, due to fundamental economic physics. If one cannot afford AC, one very likely is also without an ISP. Still, it's a write-off, so I might as well try. I speak from experience, having spent my first two years in Arizona without air conditioning, in either the house or the car. It is tough. You have to adapt. Remember, people have lived in the desert since the dawn of time, but only for the last hundred years or so have there been any means of cooling the place down. Before technology came along, the heat was something that everyone had to suffer. The obvious first rule of thumb is to drink plenty of water. Health-wise, as long as you're able to sweat, your body can keep itself in check. When you stop sweating, you're dead (medically speaking). Rule Number Two: Cool off your core temperature. Externally, that means take a cold shower. I know, the water doesn't really get all that cold this time of year, but do it anyway. Eat ice cream, too, or just plain ice if that's all you have. There are other alternative methods for applied internal temperature relief; let your imagination be your guide. Rule Number Three: Go public. As long as you aren't particularly smelly or loud, there are some cool places you can go in the daytime to escape the sweltering madness of your life. You could go shopping, for instance, and take an hour or so to buy nothing more than a bag of ice. There is always the library to consider - go grab a stack of books and pull up a chair. The same goes for museums. Culture is good for you (unless you're a conservative, in which case it burns like acid). The government also provides places where one can go, for the better part of the day, to have a seat and chill out. The old "lost-my-driver's-license" trick is always a sure ticket to 75 degrees, as is the venerable "where's-my-Social-Security-card" scam. If you have health insurance, you could schedule a doctor's appointment, and show up really early. Those are just the cheap options. If you've got the money, there are also those Titanic-length feature films at the movie theater, metric tons of celluloid goo made to last longer than an all-day sucker. You can even take a nap in there. Hollywood doesn't mind; many paying customers do this. All that being said, if you're simply unable to get away from the horrific elements of summer - never exactly a surprise - then the best thing to do is to leave altogether. The government may even want to consider whether or not living in the Valley without air conditioning constitutes a criminally insane act. If so, it should be punishable by indefinite internment in a secure cell (one with a thermostat), or straight-up deportation to Greenland, in accordance with our laws. You have read the Patriot Act, haven't you? Paul Heller 7/22/05 << back to the archives
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